Dealing with Grumpy Relatives

Dealing with grumpy relatives is one of the most difficult things we can do. It is even more difficult during the holidays because it is combined with all the other added stress and workload.

You can’t just tell Uncle Ralph and Aunt Priss to stay home. But you can get a handle on it before they show up.

Join me on the porch to find a few ways to make your holiday a bit more pleasant, even when that grumpy relative is sitting next to you at the table.

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Transcript

Ugh. Uncle Ralph just confirmed he will be here for the holidays. He is so grumpy! Probably the grumpiest. Wait. No. I would have to give that award to Aunt Priss. How that woman comes up with a new list of complaints each year is amazing. 

And wouldn’t you know it. This is my year to host, and I can’t leave early from my own home!

Is that the conversation going through your mind right now? Dealing with grumpy relatives is one of the most difficult things we can do. It is even more difficult during the holidays because it is combined with all the other added stress and workload.

You can’t just tell Uncle Ralph and Aunt Priss to stay home. But you can get a handle on it before they show up.

One of the first ways to ease the pain of warring relatives is to create a seating chart. Do Uncle Ralph and Grandpa Bob get in a shouting match each year? This year, put them at opposite ends of the table. Make sure they are out of direct line of sight of each other, as much as possible. Seat them next to someone they enjoy – or at least will tolerate more than others.

Does Aunt Priss have a relative who is able to control her complaints? Seat her next to them. Does she have a sister or brother she will listen to? Maybe it’s time to talk to them. See if they can ask Aunt Priss to keep the complaints to a minimum, for the sake of the holiday. Don’t think you’ll get away with no complaints from her – but at least you might be able to control it. A little.

To create seating arrangements, you don’t want to make it look like you are trying to separate the warring relatives. Instead, keep the verbal sparring to a minimum and add fun to your table at the same time by putting place cards at each setting. Place cards are easy to make. You can either create your own using paper and markers, use a graphics program such as Canva, or even just use seasonal cookie cutters and tie a name tag to each one with ribbon.

Another way to minimize heated discussions is to keep the conversation moving in the right direction. First, you need to always remember, Politics and Religion do not make a peaceful dinner conversation. Especially if you have those with seriously opposing viewpoints. Set the ground rules early. No discussing controversial topics at the table.

You may have to make a private list of acceptable topics you can fall back on, and then introduce them periodically, or to deflect when things begin to get heated. If possible, ‘appoint’ each person as a topic ‘expert’. For instance, when it looks like Aunt Priss might be starting in on her latest gripe, quickly go to one of your experts and say, “Aunt Margaret. You are an excellent cook. I just saw a recipe for rhubarb pie that looked interesting. What do you think about rhubarb?” And then keep the conversation moving, by addressing another expert: “Uncle Al, I was considering getting a small toolbox to keep in the house. You work with tools all the time. What do you think I should get?”

Make topics general. And keep an eye on Aunt Priss. If she starts complaining, redirect the conversation to a compliment. See if that helps. One thing to keep in mind. Everyone loves to be complimented, and enjoys being in the spotlight, even if only for a moment. See that this happens with each of your guests. While one is still basking in the attention, hopefully they will be too distracted to start an argument with someone else.

You may even need to find other kinds of distractions for the Grumpy Relative. Okay. This one may put you in the direct line of fire for gripes, complaints, and insults. But remember – you can rise above by preparing yourself mentally ahead of time.

Just ask the grumpy relative to help. Have them peel carrots. Set the table. Extra chairs are always needed, so have them bring them to the table. Or ask them to give you some one-on-one time and help wash the dishes.

Having them help serve dessert is always a good distraction. Ask them what their favorite is and why. If it’s something that isn’t available, ask them if they will share a recipe so you can make it next year.

And sometimes, you may have to resort to the Direct Approach. Although you don’t want to start an argument with a direct verbal missile, you can deflect a problem by being direct. Simply ask the one who is out of line if they can save that line of conversation for outside. Do it gently, but as firmly as necessary. And if you have to enlist the aid of another family member who has a better rapport, don’t hesitate to ask them to address the situation. If you can get away with it, soften it with a small laugh or smile - but not if it means making them feel as if they are the butt of some hidden joke. 

All you have to do is say, “I really want this year to be pleasant. That conversation really needs to be saved for later.” And if necessary, and if you can manage to do so gracefully, walk away.

There are times when you have to resort to the last option, and that is to leave the room. If the grumpy relative is sitting next to you, this one may break the moment. Simply say, ‘Hold that thought. I’ll be right back.” Then stand up and go to the restroom, or to the kitchen and get a clean fork or napkin. Take at least a minute or two. That should be long enough to distract them from what they were saying. When you get back to the table, be prepared with a question or statement that redirects the conversation.

Keep in mind, some folks just like to be grumpy, and almost every family has one. No matter what, they cling to being grumpy like it was a security blanket. These are folks you just will not make happy, no matter what you do. If that is the case, prepare yourself mentally beforehand. Do not allow it to add more stress. And as much as possible, ignore the grumpiness and limit your interaction with the person. 

Do you deal with grumpy relatives? Don’t let their attitude spoil your holidays. Instead, find ways to change the subject, redirect the conversation, or hang out with the ones who are having fun. And if worse comes to worse, make the grumpy relative wash the dishes. All that work will at least give them something to complain about. 

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